An insomniac Scots Calvinist looks at the Church and the world and wonders where it all went wrong

Birdwatchers know that there are certain birds such as the corncrake and bearded tit which are rarely seen but often heard. If you know their habitat and calls it is possible to estimate their numbers.

Bearded Tit

Bearded Tit

At one time progressives were easy to spot. Their plumage consisted of beards, sandals and hand knitted ties; any two out of three and you likely had a progressive. Usually they could be spotted in a staff room sheltering behind a copy of the Guardian or the Times Educational Supplement.

Those days are gone. Due to changes in the environment, possible evidence of climate change, progressives have adapted their plumage and habitat to merge with ordinary people. So effective is this adaptive camouflage that today, as with the bearded tit, we have to rely on their calls in order to spot them. Below we have a few of the calls they use to recognise each other.

Flock of Progressives

Flock of Progressives

Is this tea Fairtrade?

The BBC is getting more right wing every day.

We rented this lovely little gite in Languedoc.

Homophobe!

Could you wait while I charge my car?

How can a Christian possibly vote Conservative?

It was all about oil.

Communism is a wonderful theory; it’s just never been practiced properly.

99%

Margaret Thatcher!

Global warming deniers should be ashamed, that is if they had any morals at all.

We had a Ministry of War then a Ministry of Defence, what we really need is a Ministry of Peace.

We didn’t send Tristram and Philippa to some socially divisive boarding school, we got them into Brompton Oratory instead.

Conservatives are naturally racists.

People only oppose Obama because he’s black.

Margaret Thatcher!

I’m not religious but if I were I would probably be a Buddhist.

I got a 2:2 in media and gender studies.

Nick Clegg is a true leader.

I got this jacket in a charity shop.

The EU has preserved peace in Europe since WWII.

I have issues.

That’s discrimination.

George Monbiot is so insightful.

The vegetarian options on this menu are very limited.

I’m focussing on urban poverty at the moment.

Racist!

We need to work out what it was we did that makes the terrorists hate us so much.

I read everything Noam Chomsky writes.

I blame the right wing press.

Meditation has opened my mind to realities you couldn’t even perceive.

Is this vegan?

I don’t believe in labels.

Islamophobe!

I don’t watch television.

Do you know anyone who votes Conservative?

You’re for traditional marriage? You’re a homophobe.

Margaret Thatcher!

Of course I drive a car, but I wouldn’t have to if we had proper public transport.

If we just talked to the terrorists they wouldn’t hate us so much.

I’m a progressive because I’m open minded.

I hate UKIP.

Jesus was all about social justice.

Don’t push your values or morals on me.

You want to enforce immigration laws? You’re a racist.

Margaret Thatcher was Hitler with a handbag.

If you do come across a progressive please take care. Do not disturb their habitat or they may take flight in a flurry of noise and random, sometimes violent, action. If this does happen don’t be frightened, they are harmless unless we take them seriously.

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Comments on: "RECOGNITION CALLS" (4)

  1. Captain John S. COLMAN said:

    Those sadly deluded thunder out their morals and deny the very existence of God and are without real hope and without Christ in this world. They hire a GITE EN FRANCE yet are blind to the wonders of nature established by the Creator God who gives them breath. GOD is a moral being and invokes respect and obedience to the penitent heart. His Son is open to give salvation to all who believe. Lord soften their hearts.

  2. I have a jacket bought in a charity shop (and a beard) (not bought in a charity shop, though) but on the other hand I support UKIP. What would you call me? A misfit, perhaps?

    • Misfit? Far be it from me to disagree with you. The dead giveaway would be if you also wore a hand knitted tie and wooly socks with sandals.

  3. alan rogerson said:

    Your getting better as you get older

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